How to Talk to a Man

Making Conversation When You Are In Front Of Who You Want To Be Your Lover Or Mate.  

Dating advice: Everyone ask questions, but few people know how to ask questions in ways that effectively Promote conversation.  When your questions elicit little response, the problem my not be that your conversational partners are unfriendly or uninterested or that the situation isn’t right.  The fault may lie simply in the type of questions you are asking or in the way you ask or in the way you phrase them. 

There are two types of questions you can pose:  closed ended and open-ended.  

Closed ended questions are like true-false or multiple-choice questions in that they request only a one or two word reply.  

For example: “Where are you from?”

“Do you go jogging?

“Shall we have dinner tonight at 5:30, 6:00, or 6:30?

Do you think all atomic power plants should be shut down? 

Closed-ended questions are valuable for getting others to disclose specific facts about themselves that you may wish to explore in greater detail (“I was born in Detroit, but I grew up in Huntsville, Alabama.” “Yes, I jog three miles a day.”) and for getting them to state definite positions (“six o’clock is fine with me.” “I don’t want those we have shut down, but I don’t favor building any more either.”)

While they have a definite role to play, closed-ended questions lead to dull conversations followed by awkward silence when they are used exclusively.  People answering a series of closed-ended questions soon feel, as my friend said, like they’re being interrogated by the CIA.   

Open-Ended Questions 

You have to follow up your closed-ended questions with open ended ones if you want to keep your conversations going and allow them to achieve greater interest and depth.  Open-ended questions are like essay questions in that they promote answers of more than a word or two.  They ask for explanations and elaborations, while showing your conversational partners (much to their delight!) that you are so interested in what they have said that you want to know more.

    For instance, once Lisa had found out that I’ve been teaching Conversationally Speaking for about ten years, instead of going on to a second, unrelated close-ended question, she might have followed up with one of these open-ended questions: 

“How did you happen to develop the idea for the workshop?

“In what ways has the course changed in that time?

“What did you do to get it offered here?”

“Tell me what your plans are for the course in the future.”  (This is an open-ended question phrased as a request.) 

Having asked someone where he’s or she’s from and having found out he’s or she’s from Huntsville, you might ask him or her a open-ended questions like: 

“How did you happen to move here form Huntsville?”

“How’s the weather in Alabama different from what we have here?”

“What was the best part of growing up in Huntsville? 

Having learned that someone favors keeping existing atomic power plants operating but doesn’t want more built, you might ask her or him these open-ended questions: 

“How do you think we might deal with the waste the reactors we now have produce?”

“What’s the best way for someone to help stop more plants from being built?”

“If more plants aren’t built what do you think the nation could do to secure additional power?” 

You can observe from these examples that open- and closed-ended questions begin, for the most part, with different words.  The following list should help you in starting off your questions: 

Closed-Ended        Both              Open-Ended

Are?                     What?              How?

Do?                      Why?               In what way?

Who?                                           Tell me what your plans are?

When?                                       

You may speculated that some people would probably answer many of the closed-ended questions you’ve read in open-ended ways.  While the is true, your conversational partners are likely to answer open-ended questions a consistently greater length because they actively encourage speaking freely.  When you ask open-ended questions, others can relax, knowing that you want them to get involved and express themselves fully. 

Question-Asking Increases Your Control 

You need never be stuck in a boring conversations because, when you ask questions, you control to a large extent what topics are discussed.  Let’s suppose a friend tells you, “I just got back from France.” Here are some of the many questions you could choose to have him or her answer, depending upon your interests:  

“What was the weather like there?”

“How did you manage to communicate with the French?”

“Tell me the most memorable thing that happened.”

“How did you manage to get hotel rooms over there?”

“In what way was the food there different from what we have here?” 

If someone introduces herself or his-self to you as a high school counselor, you could choose from these questions to ask: 

“Why did you decide to become a counselor?”

“What did you have to do to enter the field?”

“Tell me some problems that kids often come to you with.”

“What role are drugs playing on campus today?”

“How does listening to troubles all day affect your outlook on
life?” 

Or, if you don’t want to talk at all about her or his job, you could open-endedly ask, “What do you do for fun when you are not counseling?”

In choosing which questions to ask, Keep in mind two considerations:  First, only ask questions when you genuinely want to hear what the other person has to say.  No matter how skillful you are, if you just go through the motions, others will eventually sense that you are merely trying to trick them into liking you. 

Second, strive to maintain dual perspective.  Having dual perspective means thinking not just in terms of what you want to say and hear but also in terms of the other person’s interests.  The worst bores of all are oblivious to the wants and need of others.  For me, they are epitomized by a distinguished-looking gentleman I once heard telling a lady at cocktail party, “Enough of all this talking about me.  Let’s talk about you.  What do you think of me?”

Incidentally, you will find being sincere and maintaining dual perspective of tremendous importance in effectively using all the other skills in making good conversation.

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