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How To Talk to a Woman

What's a Good Opening Line When You Meet a Woman?

  This story about Samuel I. Hayakawa makes a very good point.

  Samuel was a college president, U.S. senator, and brilliant linguistic analyst of Japanese origin.  Keep in mind he is Japanese.

  This story shows us the value of, "unoriginal remarks."

  In early 1943 - after the attack on Pearl Harbor at a time when there were rumors of Japanese spies - Hayakawa had to wait several hours in a railroad station in Oshkosh, Wisconsin.  He noticed others waiting in the station were staring at him suspiciously.  Because of the war, they were apprehensive about his presence.  He later wrote, "One couple with a small child was staring with special uneasiness and whispering to each other."

  So what did Hayakawa do?  He made unoriginal remarks to set them at ease.  He said to the husband that it was too bad the train should be late on a cold night. The man agreed.

  "I went on," Hayakawa wrote, " to remark that it must be especially difficult to travel with a small child in winter when train schedules were so uncertain.  Again the husband agreed.  I then asked the child's age and remarked that their child looked very big and strong for his age.  Again agreement, this time with a slight smile.  The tension was relaxing."

  After two or three more exchanges, the man asked Hayakawa, "I hope you don't mind my bringing it up, but you're Japanese, aren't you?  Do you think the Japs have any chance of winning this war?"

  Hayakawa went on, "My remark was admittedly neither original nor well informed."  Hundred of radio commentators...were saying much the same thing during those weeks.  But just because they were, the remark sounded familiar and was on the right side so that it was easy to agree with."

  The Wisconsin man agreed at once with what seemed like genuine relief.  His next remark was, "Say, I hope your folks aren't over there while the war is going on."

  "Yes, they are," Hayakawa replied.  "My father and mother and two young sisters are over there."

  "Do you every hear from them?"  the man asked.

  "How can I?"  Hayakawa answered.

  Both the man and his wife looked troubled and sympathetic.  "Do you mean you won't be able to see them or hear from them until after the war is over?"

  There was more to the conversation but the result was, within ten minutes they had invited Hayakawa - whom they initially may have suspected was a Japanese spy - to visit them sometime in their city and have dinner in their home.  And all because of this brilliant scholar's admittedly common and unoriginal small talk.  Top communicators know the most soothing and appropriate first words should be, like Senator Hayakawa's, unoriginal, even banal.

Ascent from Banality

  It is not necessary, of course, to stay with mundane remarks.  If you find your company displays cleverness or wit, you match that.  The conversation then escalates naturally, compatibly.  Don't rush it or, do not come across like you're showing off.  The bottom line on your first words is to have the courage of your own triteness.  Because, remember, people tune in to your tone more than your text.

  Anything you say is fine as long as it is not complaining, rude, or unpleasant.  If the first words out of your mouth are a complaint - BLAM - people label you a complainer.  Why?  Because that complaint is your new acquaintance's 100 percent sampling of you so far.  You could be the happiest Pollyanna or Bob ever, but how will they know?  If your first comment is a complaint, you're a griper.  If your first words are rude, you're a creep.  If your first words are unpleasant, you're a stinker.  Open and shut, your out.

  Other than these downers, anything goes.  Ask them where they're from, how they know the host of the party, where they bought the lovely earrings they're wearing - or hundreds of etceteras.  the trick is to ask your prosaic question with passion to get the other person talking.

  Still feel a bit shaky on making the approach to strangers?  Let's take a quick detour on our road to meaningful communicating.  I'll give you three quickie techniques to meet people at parties - then nine more to make small talk not so small.  whoops, I am out of time, look for it in our up and coming articles.

Compliments Women Love.

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